African Fathers Initiative

Stepfamilies, also known as blended families, are more of a norm now than ever. At least one-third of all children will be part of a stepfamily before they reach age 18. Children in blended families may at first resist the many changes they face. Fortunately, most blended families are able to work out their growing pains and live together successfully. Open communication, positive attitudes, mutual respect and plenty of love and patience all have an important place in creating a healthy blended family.

Waaaaah!!! Dads don't get a lot of credit for being soothing, nurturing types. But if you ask most dads, you'll find that, out of love and sheer necessity, they have indeed developed their own special ways to soothe their babies. Here's how it's done:

Is it impossible for a father to be a good one if he is not married to the mother of his child? No. But it is certainly much harder, and it is more difficult for a father to leave the kind of legacy for his children that he needs to. Keeping your marriage strong takes time and investment but the rewards are great.

Ever felt that your anger was getting the best of you? As we discipline children, anger is an emotion that must be controlled. After all, we are trying to change behaviour and teach self control--we can't lose ours in the process. Find ways to keep anger under control as you work with your children.

A good laugh helps break the tension. Instead of backing the child into a corner, you let him know that Hey, this is nothing serious. I'm in control so you are safe. We can work this out. I love you.

Every father and stepfather can make a huge difference in his daughter’s life! A father is the first man his daughter knows. With that potent position of “first man” comes the ability to set the norm of manliness for her—a norm that ultimately can be stronger than what anyone else tells her!

Which is better for your kids? Should you stay together for the sake of the kids, or have a good divorce and set positive role models for your kids? The issue is whether or not divorced couples can raise children who fare better in life as adults than unhappy couples who stay together for the sake of the kids. It is generally accepted that children learn both good and dysfunctional patterns and behavior from their parents.

It's my child - and I'm proud to be his Dad!!! The registration of births varies in different countries but a good starting point for information is your midwife, hospital or delivery unit. They can guide you where to go. Usually the baby must be registered within 42 days (six weeks) of the date of birth. Do it!

If you are like almost every other new father you are not alone! It's a fair question to ask especially after you've been up trying to soothe your screaming newborn!!! I have good news. The screaming and crying will eventually subside and yes, you will eventually get some well deserved rest. But, it may be a while. So here are a few tips to help you make it through those (short) nights.

There is growing evidence that fathers influence the healthy development of their children and that positive father involvement has a beneficial effect on kids and their dads. Be it gardening together, singing to babies, playing building blocks with toddlers or just throwing the ball in the backyard, regular interactions between dads and their children help them to develop into happy healthy children.

Marriage is a contract between adults, and when it ends, the matter is between the adults - not, repeat, not the kids! Yet, no parental action has a greater impact on children. Children love their parents and want to be with them. Even in times of great stress, parents have a responsibility to conduct their legal affairs in a manner that will protect their children from adult conflicts. Try to agree with your ex the following. Then discuss it with your child or children.

If you're like most new or expectant dads, you're probably carrying around some silent assumptions about what it means to be a father. Those ideas are rooted in your experiences with your own father and in what you believe society expects of a male parent. The various sections on this page should give you some basic reassurance!

Face your fear. If you feel a sense of unreality coupled with raw fear, you're only normal. Will you be a good dad? Will your baby be born with ten fingers and ten toes? Will labour go smoothly? Will you love your baby? You'd be odd if you weren't afraid. Our best solution for this natural by-product of humankind's greatest experience is to talk to your partner, your dad, your friends who are old hands at this parenting business. You can also find other dads-to-be in the same boat as you on our dad to dad bulletin board.

Infidelity causes intense emotional pain — anger, disbelief, fear, guilt, shame. But an affair doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage. Understand how a marriage can be rebuilt after an affair. When an affair is first discovered, both partners feel as if the world has collapsed — you're left wondering whether your marriage can survive.

Good fathers help their boys treat women with respect They lead by example by respecting their partners, wives, and the mothers of their children. Boys learn from their fathers to treat women with respect, not to use violence to get their way or solve their relationship problems. They let their daughters know that they must not accept abusive behaviour from men as the norm. They help their daughters to tell men that their father would never use abuse towards them, would not sanction their brothers or other relatives to do it so why should they accept it from any other man? Fathers play a critical role in providing their children with safe home environments that are free from abuse and neglect. All children deserve a chance to grow up unafraid.

Men are often tongue tied when asked to make their feelings open but "I love you," are three words all children need to hear often from their Dad.
Do you want those words to have real meaning to your child? Do you want them to connect one heart to another? Do you want to use them to develop a level of intimacy between you that communicates your heartfelt affection for your children? If so, consider strengthening 'I love you' with the following suggestions.

Many people know nothing or very little about the Mother To Child Treatment programmes that can prevent babies contracting HIV. Men are even more marginalized and are not in a position to support their spouses, partners, and sisters in participating in the programmes.Counselling is a major factor affecting women and their partners' choices regarding voluntary HIV testing and subsequent participation in the programmes.

Miscarriages happen for a wide variety of reasons. About half are due to abnormalities in the fetus or the placenta, including chromosomal problems. Sometimes the egg attaches in the wrong place resulting in an early miscarriage. Recent studies have linked environmental pollution or excessive caffeine consumption to higher risks of miscarriage. So the short answer is that most times, miscarriage occurs totally outside of the control of the expectant mother. But both physically and emotionally, miscarriage means much more than the textbook definition. There are strong physical and emotional impacts to a couple who experience miscarriage.

If you are violent in your relationship you are a Perpetrator of Domestic Violence and need to accept that fact and try and get help. “Do no harm,” must be the mantra of every man in our society and especially fathers. Situations of family and relationship violence impact couples, but can be particularly harmful for children.

Parental smoking is a significant issue. In a study of smoking households in the Midlands, UK containing infants under three months old, two-thirds contained a smoking father (many more than contained a smoking mother). Tobacco consumption was higher where both parents smoked or where only the father smoked

Relationships with children are much like plants, they need constant nourishing! At home, this type of nourishment comes easily through the activities and time spent with your children. However, when you are away this becomes more difficult to accomplish. If work takes you away from your child more often than you would like, these fun ideas will help you and her to have some special times, even though you're miles apart.

Girls tend to be a riddle to fathers. Like any mystery, the relationship with our daughter can be frightening, exciting, entertaining, baffling, enlightening or leave us completely in the dark; sometimes all at once...

Many things a parent will do affect how children cope with divorce. We can influence through our own actions how well our children cope with the divorce of their parents. Below is a list of some behaviors that children should be protected from. Things you definitely don’t want to expose your children to.

In the early 1970’s, Judith Wallerstein, began to study the effects of divorce on children. She studied a group of 131 children and their families who were going through the divorce process over a period of 25 years. In her book, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, published in 2000, we learn that children really aren’t “resilient” and that divorce leaves children to struggle for a life-time with the residue of a decision their parents made.

 When your new baby makes its appearance, it can be a challenge for both mom and dad to connect with the new baby. Lack of sleep and the other demands of being a new parent can wear thin on both fathers and mothers... But mom tends to have a better opportunity to get close to the new baby simply because she usually spends more time at it. And yet dads often feel a significant need to get close to the new baby, but have a challenge getting there. So we asked some new dads and some of the experts about how best to help dads bond with their babies.

Whether you are divorced or separated and the custodial parent, or whether you are a widowed dad, the challenges of raising daughters are similar... So, given the advice from those who have walked in your shoes, here are some suggestions for tackling this important task successfully.

Many divorced fathers are faced with the reality of visitation- an often negotiated, mediated and all too brief time they are able to spend with their children. In many cases, visitation is very limited, compared to the relationship dads used to be able to enjoy, so it's absolutely crucial that dads make this visitation time the best possible experience for their children and themselves. Here are a few ideas for making the most of your visitation:

Families can be torn apart by illness, divorce or other problems that create conflict and stress. Family therapy can help families identify and resolve problems. Your family can be your greatest source of support, comfort and love. But it can also be your greatest source of pain and grief. A health crisis, mental illness, work problems or teenage rebellion may threaten to tear your family apart. Family therapy can help your family weather such storms. Family therapy can help patch strained relationships, teach new coping skills and improve how your family works together. Whether it's you, your partner, a child or even a sibling or parent who's in crisis, family therapy can help all of you communicate better and learn to get along.

Be there for her! (and for yourself) What is the role of the father who is present at the birth of his child? Is he a labor coach, advocate or partner? Is he a fifth wheel? A nuisance? A liability? In the twelve years that I have served birthing families in my community, I have heard many passionate opinions about the presence of fathers at birth. Over the years my own understanding of the role that fathers play in pregnancy and birth has developed to become much deeper and more complex as I have served different families, each with their own unique relationship, culture, expectations and beliefs.

Children usually feel a lot of pain and emotional conflict during and after divorce. Whether or not your children say it or show it, you can be sure they are deeply affected by the divorce and the struggles around it. The article below gives excellent insight into what your child may be thinking, feeling and needing from you.

It is hard to imagine a more difficult transition for a child than to be a party to his or her parents' divorce. I have watched this closely the last few months as some very good friends of ours have been separated and preparing for divorce. And even through attempts at reconciliation through family counseling, the children have suffered. There have been many empirical studies focusing on the effects of divorce on children. Some of the common findings among all of these studies are detailed in this article.

If you aren't nervous about labour and delivery, you're either in denial or not paying attention! Remember that as difficult as it may be to watch your partner or loved one in pain, most fathers find the birth of their child to be one of life's most powerful and satisfying moments. Of course, it's better if know that you've been a help rather than a hindrance. To help you be the kind of birth partner a labouring woman dreams of, William Wade, a father of one, asked people who've been there to share their feelings.

As your child grows older she will want different things from her engagement with you. They learn far more and far earlier than we ever realised so make sure you're up to the challenge!

'Sometimes when we argue and I shout at my partner she is scared of me', 'I slapped her once and I promised myself it would never happen again - but I hit her again...', 'I get angry with her and I totally lose it...' Do you recognise yourself in any of that? Are you concerned that your behaviour towards your partner is costing you your relationship? Are you worried your children are witnessing too many arguments between their parents?

Playing with our children is more important than we may realize. Play is "the work of children".There is growing evidence that fathers influence the healthy development of their children and that positive father involvement has a beneficial effect on kids and their dads.

How long until we ...? You want to love and cherish her again. You want to ... we know! Read on for some advice and reassurance that there is a sex life after baby!

Individual children each have to be shown love in a way which is also very individual. For example, one daughter may receive love best when dad or mom gives her a very personalized gift—it could be a note, a set of gel pens or a t-shirt, but she knows she is loved when someone gives her something. Trying to use the technique that worked for one child with the other would be useless.

A peaceful divorce? Possibly. A pain-free divorce? That’s exceedingly rare. The adjustments for dad, mum and kids are major. William Klatte has written an insightful book called Live-Away Dads. In it, he suggests five beneficial actions you can take: goals you can focus on when you don’t know what to do next.

My wife had a baby a couple of weeks ago and, after the initial elation I am surprised to find myself feeling quite down. Can men get something like the baby blues as well as women? Yes, fathers are vulnerable to similar emotions to a new mother, and there's some evidence that new dads can become depressed after the birth of a baby as well. That's one of the reasons we know that the baby blues aren't exclusively caused by hormonal changes.

Every father faces psychological and cultural barriers on the way to full engagement in a daughter’s life... We must understand these hurdles to be effective fathers and stepfathers—or to work effectively with fathers and families. These hurdles may seem silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to others. But they are not silly, unnecessary, or insignificant to fathers.

Fathers parent differently from mothers and that difference matters a lot for kids! Fatherhood is just as essential to healthy child development as motherhood! In some measures, father-love is more important. The professional journal, Review of General Psychology, finds “evidence suggests that the influence of father love on offspring’s development is as great as and occasionally greater than the influence of mother love.”

Is there a more challenging transition for a man than to become a new single dad with children at home?
If there is, I can't imagine it. Whether you lose your spouse and the mother of your kids to death or because of a divorce and/or abandonment or your partner working away fro long periods at a time, adjusting to the new reality of things is a major and life changing task.I look after my two daughters, aged five and four, in Harare, Zimbabwe - a very challenging environment. There are many times I just don't enjoy it - it is a real hard job but this is more than compensated for in the love I receive from my daughters, the praise from their Mum who is working away about the job I am doing and the hugs, kisses and other feedback I get from my girls.

As a proud new dad, you want to do everything you can to be involved in your child's life. But during those bleary early weeks, when your baby is breastfeeding around the clock, it can be hard to work out where to start.Hang on in there. With time, you and your baby will develop your own special relationship - one that's just as vital as the mother-baby bond. Meanwhile, here are our top tips for being the best possible dad from the word go:

Kids love talking! And they love grandparents. Next time you get them together see if the kids can organise a talk with their granparents. You could follow this up with them doing a family tree as a poster. You'll learn some things that will surprise you!

Not all children develop and reach milestones at the same rate, but they do pass through the same stages. Understanding something about those stages can help you to understand that what could look like naughty behaviour is actually just a part of growing up.

Breast is best!!! Before the baby is born, you may find that many expectant fathers state categorically that breast is best, and that they are fully in favour of their partner breastfeeding for as long as possible.
And, when you consider the benefits, why not?

Blockages. A small percentage of men have a blockage in their ejaculatory duct that prevents sperm from getting into their ejaculate fluid. If your vas deferens or epididymis tubes are blocked or damaged, they can prevent your sperm from getting to your partner's egg. Infection, injury, congenital defects, or a vasectomy could cause this blockage.

Illness, infidelity, sex, anger, communication problems, parenting — all can contribute to distress in marriages or other relationships. Marriage counseling or couples counseling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds. Your partner comes home from work, makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet and then sulks off silently. You haven't had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What's that?

Whether you are divorced or separated and the custodial parent, or whether you are a widowed dad, the challenges are similar... So, given the advice from those who have walked in your shoes, here are some suggestions for tackling this important task successfully.

Stepfathers face significant challenges as they move into a situation where they are often unwanted and unappreciated. It takes special skills and attitudes to be a successful stepfather. This page contains resources for stepfathers and fathers in blended families. Once the initial settling in is over, there is the challenging task of building a new family. This doesn't mean that old families are forgotten, of course, but simply involves creating a new branch. The list of potential adjustments is long, and it calls for a considerable amount of patience.

Two years ago, I was getting a little woozy as I stared at the proof pages of a magazine I was editing. It was 4am. I had phoned my wife five times that night, promising to come home soon with each call. I really did love the work I was doing, but not seeing my kids for the whole day left me feeling empty. The worst of the calls involved hearing my youngest wailing in the background as my then six-year-old got on the line to say, "You're not even going to cuddle with us tonight?"

Divorce can bring out the worst in people. It can cause an exceptional parent to lose focus on what is best for his/her children, which in turn can cause the children to feel mistreated. It seems some parents can’t divorce their bad feelings for an ex spouse from their feelings for their children. When those negative feelings bleed over into the relationship with children, the result is a fractured child/parent relationship.

Could being a dad-to-be explain why I'm having such strange dreams? As a dad-to-be, your feelings of excitement, anticipation, anxiety, and worry may open a floodgate of dreams. Perhaps you've been dreaming about sleeping with someone besides your partner? This could mean that you're worried that pregnancy will damage your sex life. Or maybe you've been dreaming about your grandparents? Pending fatherhood can make you think about your family's roots. Your dreams might also reveal that you are feeling resentful and left out as all the attention centres around your partner and her growing bump.

Men's part in fertilization is quite amazing. About 200 million sperm are mixed with semen to form ejaculate. In most men, 15 to 45 million of these sperm are healthy enough to fertilize an egg, although only 400 survive after a man ejaculates. Only 40 of those 400 reach the vicinity of the egg, surviving the toxic environment of the semen and the hostile environment of the vagina. After another process called capacitation (an explosion that allows the remaining sperm to drill a hole through the tough outer layer of the egg), only one lone sperm reaches the egg for fertilization and conception.

Is playing with dolls manly? Of course it is! That’s a question that occurs to many fathers and stepfathers of daughters. And most of us believe that real men don’t play dolls. That belief is of little use once you have a stepdaughter or daughter. In fact, it may be a major barrier in the work of building a strong bond with her.

From the beginning, it’s crucial that fathers nurture a daughter’s image of her body as strong, healthy, capable, and active... That means you might have to overcome a common misperception first, that of thinking of your daughter as delicate or fragile. Many dads I meet share this mistaken idea:

Why Tell Stories? It is fun. Dads love to have fun with their kids, at least the great ones do. Creative stories are a chance to build a great and loving memory.

 It's up to you! Two decades ago it was unusual for a father to be there when his child was born. These days, for urban dads it's more unusual if he isn't there. For many couples, being together is what feels right. But not everyone feels the same.

One of the biggest challenges for fathers is selecting appropriate discipline for their children.
Discipline is all about modifying behavior, not about anger or retaliation. Ever felt that your anger was getting the best of you? As we discipline children, anger is an emotion that must be controlled. After all, we are trying to change behavior and teach self control--we can't lose ours in the process. Find ways to keep anger under control as you work with your children.